If you thought puppets were cute, cuddly and child-friendly, think again. Launching on MTV One on Sunday 4th May at 10.00pm, Fur TV makes Avenue Q look like Sesame Street. With their supreme experience of the world, we put your questions to Brazilian love god Lapeño Enriquez, Edward ‘Fat Ed’ Tubbs and serial self-abuser Mervin J. Minky.


Which way is best to dump someone without doing it face-to-face?

ED: Ass-to-mouth.

MERVIN: I’ll never know.

How can I tell my housemate that he really smells (short of throwing a bar of soap at him)?

LAPENO: Just as the elephant should not fear the doormouse, a real man should not fear the cleansing hand of Mother Nature. Tell him – he will understand… if not, have him arrested as a tramp.

My girlfriend has always openly joked about her having a crush on Tony from Hollyoaks, but recently said the name “Tony” during sex. My name is Alistair. We haven’t talked about the incident at all, should I mention it?

LAPENO: No – in future, make sure her mouth is too full to talk, if you know what I mean.

I've just discovered that my new flatmate is a Nazi. I'm no beardy-weirdie leftie, but I'm really disturbed by her extreme right-wing views. I'm locked into a tenancy agreement so can't move. Have you got any non-violent anti-Nazi techniques you'd suggest that I deploy?

ED: “Non-violent”? I don’t understand the question.

I keep daydreaming and becoming aroused during seminars at uni, then I can’t stand up when it’s my turn to read stuff out in front of my class. I need some mental images that can provide me with an instant solution.

MERVIN: Well, the latest Littlewoods catalogue definitely won’t work.

I’m trying to spend no money this year and would like to know if there is such a thing as a free lunch?

ED: Sure there is – if you use a Glock to order with.

My mum recently remarried and has started to lead a very frequent and, frankly, LOUD sex life with my new stepdad. My bedroom is right next to theirs and I have no idea how to hint that they need to keep the noise down a bit without it being insanely awkward.

LAPENO: I find that a little lilting Jobim piped through my headphones cancels out all but the most insistent forms of noise pollution.

MERVIN: Can we swap rooms please?

My boyfriend is at university literally the other end of the country, so we can hardly ever see each other. Any suggestions on how to spice up a long-distance relationship and keep it interesting?

LAPENO: Of course... what are you doing in about 20 minutes time?

My mates are all shaving their heads before we go backpacking this summer. I’ve always had long hair but I’m pretty sure I’ve got a weird-shaped head, so I don’t want to shave my hair - but now I feel left out. What should I do?

ED: Long hair’s for pussies. So’s shaving. Ha ha! Get it?

LAPENO: Constantly.

I’m 23 and still get ID’d by the bouncers every time I got a club or pub, while my younger friends walk straight in with no problems. It’s getting really quite embarrassing. How can I make myself appear older?

LAPENO: Do not worry, my fresh-faced friend…simply frequent illegal underage drinking dens, and you will be revered as a god.

MERVIN: Older people can be beautiful too – that’s what it says in Aged Meat magazine anyway.

This month we put your questions to Jim Creeggan from Toronto’s Barenaked Ladies...


Is it possible to somehow pass my course without actually doing any work?

May you live long and prosper Mr. Bush.

Me and my high-school girlfriend have been going out for two years, but I’m now thinking maybe I can’t be arsed with the whole long-distance-relationship thing…

I understand that there is nothing like the first hand job, but dude there’s a whole world of hand jobs out there!

I’m really shy, how can I make new friends?

A good firm handshake has traditionally worked for me. Also, if you participate in group activities, you might find someone you like in those situations. I find the more specialized and unusual the better. It’s important to separate the wheat from the chaff. How about joining the Ham Brining Club?

I accidentally slept with my housemate and we’re now stuck living together all year, is it going to be awkward as fuck?

Don’t flatter yourself. You might be surprised. They might not be so messed up about it as you think. Maybe you’re the one with the issues. Or not. “She’s going to turn me down and say can’t we be friends!”

How the hell do I abandon the clingy first-week new “friends” that I’ve now realised I don’t really like?

It’s nothing a little BO won’t fix.

I can’t cook for shit. I am going to actually starve.

Start with a diced onion, medium high heat. Fry it in a pan until it gets transparent. Add a teaspoon of cumin seeds and a table spoon of diced ginger. When the cumin seeds turn brown, add a table soon of garlic. Wait 2 minutes. Add 1 cup of diced tomatoes. Cook for 10 minutes on medium heat. In another pot you were lightly boiling 1 cup of lentils in 3 cups of water with a teaspoon of both turmeric and salt for 30-45 minutes. Add rinsed spinach to the lentils - let boil for 2 minutes. Stir in tomato mixture, and eat with bread or on a bed of rice. (1 cup of rice to 2 cups water, bring to a boil, then simmer with top on. Do not stir the rice. Let the steam inside of the pot do the work.)