May 2008: Fur TV

If you thought puppets were cute, cuddly and child-friendly, think again. Launching on MTV One on Sunday 4th May at 10.00pm, Fur TV makes Avenue Q look like Sesame Street. With their supreme experience of the world, we put your questions to Brazilian love god Lapeño Enriquez, Edward ‘Fat Ed’ Tubbs and serial self-abuser Mervin J. Minky.


Which way is best to dump someone without doing it face-to-face?

ED: Ass-to-mouth.

MERVIN: I’ll never know.

How can I tell my housemate that he really smells (short of throwing a bar of soap at him)?

LAPENO: Just as the elephant should not fear the doormouse, a real man should not fear the cleansing hand of Mother Nature. Tell him – he will understand… if not, have him arrested as a tramp.

My girlfriend has always openly joked about her having a crush on Tony from Hollyoaks, but recently said the name “Tony” during sex. My name is Alistair. We haven’t talked about the incident at all, should I mention it?

LAPENO: No – in future, make sure her mouth is too full to talk, if you know what I mean.

I've just discovered that my new flatmate is a Nazi. I'm no beardy-weirdie leftie, but I'm really disturbed by her extreme right-wing views. I'm locked into a tenancy agreement so can't move. Have you got any non-violent anti-Nazi techniques you'd suggest that I deploy?

ED: “Non-violent”? I don’t understand the question.

I keep daydreaming and becoming aroused during seminars at uni, then I can’t stand up when it’s my turn to read stuff out in front of my class. I need some mental images that can provide me with an instant solution.

MERVIN: Well, the latest Littlewoods catalogue definitely won’t work.

I’m trying to spend no money this year and would like to know if there is such a thing as a free lunch?

ED: Sure there is – if you use a Glock to order with.

My mum recently remarried and has started to lead a very frequent and, frankly, LOUD sex life with my new stepdad. My bedroom is right next to theirs and I have no idea how to hint that they need to keep the noise down a bit without it being insanely awkward.

LAPENO: I find that a little lilting Jobim piped through my headphones cancels out all but the most insistent forms of noise pollution.

MERVIN: Can we swap rooms please?

My boyfriend is at university literally the other end of the country, so we can hardly ever see each other. Any suggestions on how to spice up a long-distance relationship and keep it interesting?

LAPENO: Of course... what are you doing in about 20 minutes time?

My mates are all shaving their heads before we go backpacking this summer. I’ve always had long hair but I’m pretty sure I’ve got a weird-shaped head, so I don’t want to shave my hair - but now I feel left out. What should I do?

ED: Long hair’s for pussies. So’s shaving. Ha ha! Get it?

LAPENO: Constantly.

I’m 23 and still get ID’d by the bouncers every time I got a club or pub, while my younger friends walk straight in with no problems. It’s getting really quite embarrassing. How can I make myself appear older?

LAPENO: Do not worry, my fresh-faced friend…simply frequent illegal underage drinking dens, and you will be revered as a god.

MERVIN: Older people can be beautiful too – that’s what it says in Aged Meat magazine anyway.